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Watch Sonny With a Chance Sunday nights on Disney Channel
The Heartbreak Kid
Sonny: Wow Chad. Lookout Mountain is beautiful, romantic. All the stars are so bright.
Chad: Yes I am. Oh, the stars up there. Yeah, they're alright. They don't have their own show.
(Sonny laughs)
Sonny: Normally I wouldn't laugh at that, but I guess I'm just a little nervous.
Chad: Well relax. I promised an unforgettable evening, didn't I?
Sonny: Yeah, you did.
Chad: Well I'm a man of my word.
("˜Bigfoot' pops out and roars, and Chad and Sonny scream)
[Two days earlier appears on the screen in the So Random! classroom]
Bitterman: (Screaming) Oh, I'm sorry- I was just reading Grady's essay. It's freighting.
Grady: Remember how I said I thought I aced the essay? I may have been wrong.
Nico: And you worked ten minutes on that!
Grady: Oh, I know. Why do I even try?
Tawni: That woman hates everything we do.
Sonny: Oh, I don't know. I think she's just-
Tawni: Mean, bitter. And not in a fun way.
Sonny: I was gonna say lonely. I mean, people just don't get that mean and bitter on purpose.
Tawni: Sonny, what are you talking about. She practices scowling in the mirror.
Sonny: Oh please.
(Shows Bitterman scowling in front of a mirror)
Sonny: But my point is she's still scowling alone. She needs a scowlee.
Grady: Like who?
Sonny: Someone nice and sweet and kind. Someone who can turn that scowl into a frown, and that frown upside down, and, you know where this is going.
(Marshall walks in)
Marshall: Does anybody have an antacid?
Sonny: Or Marshall.
[Theme music plays]
Grady: Look at her over there! I can't tell if she's eating her lunch or practicing voodoo.
Nico: You really think setting up Ms. Bitterman with Marshall will make Bitterman happier?
Sonny: Yes, I do. Because I know people. Just watch Marshall. First, he's going to look over all the vegetables. But then he'll wind up going with French fries. He'll look back over all the vegetables, then get some pie.
Tawni: Ooh! Now do me, do me.
Sonny: Okay, well first you're going to flip your hair.
Tawni: (Flips her hair) When? (She gasps) Oh my gosh! You're good!
Grady: Okay okay okay. So you know people. But how are you gonna get those two together?
Sonny: With this. (She picks up a salt shaker)
Grady: A magic salt shaker?
Sonny: (Walks over to Marshall) Hey Marshall. You know what would really spice up your lunch?
Marshall: Salt?
Sonny: Yes! And a lunch buddy.
Marshall: Sure, have a seat Sonny.
Sonny: Actually, I was going to join Ms. Bitterman. You should come sit with us!
Marshall: Oh, Joy.
Sonny: Oh, c'mon. It'll be fun!
Marshall: No, that's her name. Joy. Alright, I'll get my stuff.
Sonny: (Walks over to Bitterman) Good news Ms. Bitterman.
Bitterman: They got the rats out of the kitchen?
Sonny: Not sure. But Marshall wants to join you for lunch.
Bitterman: Marshall, the guy who lives on fries and pie?
Marshall: (Walks over) They were out of vegetables.
Bitterman: They're never out of vegetables, it's a choice.
Sonny: (Laughs) Look at you two, getting to know each other.
Bitterman: Maybe.
Sonny: Okay, well that sounds like a lovely invitation to join Ms. Bitterman for lunch. (Pushes Marshall into a seat)
Bitterman: There's a stain on your tie.
Marshall: That's the pattern.
Bitterman: So you have a pattern of a stain?
Marshall: I have a pattern of distain.
Sonny: Well, you two enjoy your lunch. If you need anything I'll be way over there.
(She walks back to her lunch table)
Sonny: Great, they hate each other. I guess I don't know people as well as I thought.
Grady: What are you talking about?
Nico: Looks like love at first bite. (Shows Marshall feeding Bitterman food)
Grady: Aww. That salt shaker is magic!
[Scene changes to rehearsal for "Scotland's top model]
Grady: Ahh, I love this sketch.
Nico: And I love wearing no pants!
Sonny: Hey, have you guys noticed how happy Ms. Bitterman's seemed since lunch?
All: Yeah.
(Marshall and Bitterman walk in)
Marshall: Hey everyone, guess who's joining us for rehearsal.
All: Hey Ms. Bitterman!
Sonny: Look at you, eating your veggies, gettin' all healthy.
Bitterman: Well, he's no good to me dead.
(They rub noses)
Marshall: Oh hey, hey kids! Did you know Ms. Bitterman used to be an actor?
Bitterman: Oh sto- When I was in the navy, I did a one-woman production of 12 Angry Men aboard the U.S.S. Nims.
Marshall: Aye-aye, captain.
Bitterman: At ease, sailor.
(They walk away)
Tawni: Does anyone else find this creepy?
Sonny: It's not creepy, they're in love.
Marshall: Okay people, let's take it from the top! Places, places. This is where I do my thing.
Grady: I'm Bauers McGregors, and welcome to Scotland's Top Model! Today, I'm gonna show you how to wear a kilt! Now some of you may say, "˜ay, those are just for pretty legs and girls-
Bitterman: Cut! Cuuut!
Marshall: I say cut.
Bitterman: Well then say "cut."
Marshall: Cut! Why are we cutting?
Bitterman: Why is Grady using a Scottish accent?
Grady: It's uh, called Scotland's Top Model.
Bitterman: Something's missing. Back me up here Marshall.
Marshall: Well if you say something's missing, something's missing.
Sonny: Aww, look how cute they are, coming up with ideas and working together. "You say cut. Uhh, I say cut. Something's missing." Adorable.
Tawni: It's something.
Bitterman: I know what it is. I think it would be funnier if you were Italian.
Grady: But my name's Bauers McGregors.
Bitterman: Well, now your name is Anthony DelVaccio. I'm a genius!
Grady: Are you guys listening to this- She's changing my sketch!
Nico: And Marshall's not doing anything about it!
Grady: Yeah.
Tawni: And since when can you do an Italian accent?
Grady: I unno. How-a hard can it-a be-a-a.
Nico: Apparently very hard!
Sonny: Guys guys, settle down. It's always like this when two people fall in love. It's intense, it's passionate.
Grady: It's killing our comedy.
Sonny: Okay fine, I'll go over there and talk to them, because I know people.
Tawni: And I know Sonny. Watch. First she's going to go over to Marshall and Bitterman.
Nico: Like she just said she was gonna do?
Tawni: I wasn't done. Now she's gonna act all cute-sy. And they're going to laugh, (they laugh)... And it's not going to work. And then she's gonna come over here and use her high voice and say: "Everything's okay!" But it won't be okay.
Sonny: (Walks back over) Everything's okay!
Tawni: But it's not.
Sonny: No.
[Shows them walking into the prop house]
Nico: Bitterman's the worst. That was the most agonizing rehearsal with no food break.
Tawni: And no beauty break. Not that I need it.
Grady: Not even a bathroom break.
Sonny: Well why don't you go now.
Grady: I dunno. Moments pass. Wait no, wait wait-! Nope, gone.
Sonny: Look, I'm sorry but it's not my fault.
(They all babble, saying that it is her fault)
Sonny: Okay fine! Maybe it is. But what do you want me to do? I can't just come between love.
Tawni: I don't want you to come between it, I want you to crush it!
Nico: Snuff it out like a forest fire!
Grady: Wring it out like a dirty sponge until every last drop of affection oozes down the drain. (Squeezes a sandwich on the table)
Sonny: Um, that was my lunch.
Grady: Oh. Tuna... I'll be right back.
Sonny: Look, I helped two lonely people find each other, and I'm not gonna mess with that. It's magical.
Tawni: You're pathetical.
(Marshall and Bitterman walk in)
Marshall: Hey everyone, guess what? Joy here just wrote her very first comedy sketch! Isn't she amazing?
Bitterman: Yes, get this: You're going to play a very strange woman who owns a bait shop, who can never remember how many worms she puts in the cartons.
Marshall: Now here's the funny part, when she gets hungry- she eats them!
Sonny: Okay, whatever, eating fake worms, it's no big deal. (She starts to put them in her mouth)
Bitterman: Oh, they're not fake.
Tawni: (Laughing) Now it's funny Ms. Bitterman!
Marshall: Sonny, that was terrific, you really sold it.
Bitterman: I wonder if you could do that with an Italian accent!
Sonny: Listen, you write it, I eat it!
(They leave)
Sonny: We are so breaking them up!
Grady: Oh sweet gummy worms. (He grabs the worms out of Sonny's hand)
(Tawni puts her hand over Nico's mouth, and Grady spits up the worms)
[Scene skips to Bitterman screaming]
Bitterman: I just realized I don't have time to grade all these papers.
Sonny: Well maybe you should focus on one thing at a time.
Bitterman: You're right! I've got a show to direct! A's for everyone again! I shall see you on the set!
(They all groan)
Nico: This is horrible! I'd never thought I'd say this, but I am tired of getting A's.
Grady: Yeah, I don't even feel like I'm learning anything anymore. I mean, before it was my fault, but now, it her fault. (He points at Sonny)
Tawni: I mean sure we're all doing great in school, but if I cared about school, I wouldn't be in show business.
Sonny: Well if my plan works, we'll all be failing school in no time. Operation: Breakup is now underway. Tawni and I will target Bitterman, you two target Marshall. If you get caught, eat the instructions, any questions?
Grady: Oh, um, Sonny?
Sonny: Yes Grady?
Grady: Well, um, what happens if I've already eaten lunch, so I'm kind of full. Do I still have to eat the instructions?
Sonny: Yes.
Grady: Well, can you put the instructions on cake?
Sonny: No!
Grady: Cookies?
Sonny: No! Now go, go, go!
(Grady and Nico walk out)
Sonny: Wanna go get some cake?
Tawni: And cookies! Let's go!
[Scene switches to the Scotland's Top Model sketch stage, and Bitterman in the center reading a script]
(Bitterman is laughing)
Bitterman: Oh-oh! I'm giving that joke an A+!
(Tawni and Sonny walk up to her)
Bitterman: What do you want?
Sonny: Oh, well, we were just cleaning out our dressing room when we came across a picture of Marshall we thought you might like to have.
Bitterman: Oh! Thank you so very much- Oh now who's that?
Tawni: Marshall's mother. Oh, didn't you know? He still lives with his mommy.
Sonny: That's never a good thing right? A grown man living with his mommy.
Bitterman: Oh, well, it is a little, you know- But you know what, I shouldn't complain I really shouldn't because you know what? Look who I live with- My sixteen little kitty cats meow meow meow meow!
Tawni: Meow meow!
Bitterman: This one's Milly isn't she cute, this one's Bruno, and this is Daventhorth, and this is Mrs. Daventhorth, and this is Biscotti and his little mommy, her name is Pricilla- (Sonny and Tawni run away)
[Scene changes to Nico and Grady walking up to Marshall on-set]
Nico: Hey, Marshall! Wanna know a secret?
Marshall: Ohh, I love secrets. What do "˜ya got?
Grady: Ms. Bitterman has some really weird feet.
Marshall: How weird?
Grady: Oh oh oh, you'll find out once you see her in these puppies, oh! (He holds up two matching shoes, one very small and one large)
Grady: Righty, lefty! Not exactly the feet you're expecting from a woman you love.
Marshall: Grady, I'm really glad you told me that.
Nico: I guess it's "Adios" to weird feet, huh?
Marshall: No, now I just don't feel so bad about showing her these.
(Nico and Grady yell as Marshall takes off his shoe)
Grady: Is that thing on the side of your foot considered a toe?
Marshall: It's got a ring on it, doesn't it?
[Scene shows everyone in the cafeteria, and Marshall and Bitterman sitting together]
(They all groan)
Nico: So much for Operation: Breakup.
Tawni: More like Operation: Throw up!
Sonny: Why are you the one that's all barfy? I'm the one that has to eat worms.
Grady: Well I thought you said you know people.
Sonny: I do! Watch, I'll prove it again. Just watch Chad over there. First he's going to pick up his spoon. (He picks up his spoon) And look at his own reflection. He's going to like what he sees. (He smiles and blows a kiss at himself) And if I know that look, he's going to take out his cell, and break up with the girl that's right over there.
Tawni: Oh, please.
Sonny: Oh, no. Just wait for it.
(The girl's phone rings, and after answering it she screams and runs out of the room)
Sonny: And there she blows. Oh my gosh, I just got the best idea!
Nico: So did I. I'm gonna try to be rebound guy. Wait up! Nico wants to make it all better! (He runs after her)
[Scene changes to a hallway, where Chad breaks up with another girl and Sonny runs up to him]
Chad: That is the last time I date twins.
Sonny: Chad, you are the most self-centered, cold-hearted, soul-less person I know.
Chad: Thank you. What do you want from me?
Sonny: I need you to help me break up Bitterman and Marshall.
Chad: Ah, well, I am on a roll. What's their numbers?
Sonny: You can't text them, they're grown-ups. They don't know how.
Chad: Okay, well, then you and I are going to have to go to Lookout Mountain.
Sonny: What? I'm not going to Lookout Mountain with you, that's a date place.
Chad: Do you want them broken up?
Sonny: Yes.
Chad: Pick you up at 8.
[Scene shows Chad and Sonny in his car, at Lookout Mountain]
Sonny: Wow Chad. Lookout Mountain is beautiful, romantic. All the stars are so bright.
Chad: Yes I am. Oh, the stars up there. Yeah, they're alright. They don't have their own show.
(Sonny laughs)
Sonny: Normally I wouldn't laugh at that, but I guess I'm just a little nervous.
Chad: Well relax. I promised an unforgettable evening, didn't I?
Sonny: Yeah, you did.
Chad: Well I'm a man of my word.
("˜Bigfoot' pops out and roars, and Chad and Sonny scream)
Chad: What are you doing here, this is the wrong car.
Sonny: Wait a minute, you know Bigfoot?
Chad: Yeah, so do you.
("˜Bigfoot' takes off his hat, and Nico is underneath)
Nico: Hey Sonny!
Sonny: What is going on here...
Chad: It's all part of the plan.
Nico: Yeah, Grady and I are in on it.
Sonny: Where's Grady?
(Nico unzips his stomach and Grady's face is revealed)
Grady: Hey Sonny!
Sonny: How is this supposed to break up Bitterman and Marshall?
Chad: It's all in the script.
Sonny: What script?
(Chad takes out a Mackenzie Falls script)
Chad: Episode 319 of Mackenzie Falls- Bigfoot gets the girl. It's a classic!
Sonny: Oh, my gosh. This is your plan? This isn't real! This is a show!
Chad: Sonny! Sometimes life imitates heart! And this piece of heart is about a couple who takes a drive up to Lookout Mountain for a romantic evening-
Nico: Yeah, and then Bigfoot comes out of the woods and scares "˜em!
Chad: And the guy gets so freaked out he runs away.
Sonny: And that gets the girl to break up with him.
Chad: Exactly!
Sonny: Oh my gosh! That is the worst plan I've ever heard from the worst show I've never seen!
Chad: Oh, well here comes the love birds, so unless you like the chewy taste of worms-
Sonny: Nico put your hat back on.
(They duck down as Marshall and Bitterman drive up)
Bitterman: Marshall this is such a beautiful spot.
Marshall: It was Chad's idea. He even gave me a map of where to park the car. Romantic, isn't it?
Bitterman: I'll say.
Sonny: This is never going to work.
Chad: Yeah how do you know?
Sonny: Because I know people!
Chad: Yeah I know people too!
Sonny: Oh yeah, well I know "˜em better. Watch: Marshall's gonna put his arm around her. (He puts his arm around her)
Chad: Oh yeah? Well now he's about to use some breath spray. (He uses breath spray)
Sonny: Yeah, well, now he's gonna try and kiss her.
Chad: Wrong. "˜Cuz here comes Bigfoot.
("˜Bigfoot' walks up to their car)
Marshall: Bigfoot!
Bitterman: Excuse me?
Marshall: Bigfoot!
Bitterman: You said you would never mention my large foot!
Marshall: No, no! Bigfoot!
Bitterman: I heard you the first time, you mama's boy!
Marshall: Oh-oh, is that where we're going?
Bitterman: Well you started it, Mr. side toe with a ring no less!
Marshall: At least I'm not a crazy cat lady!
Chad: Oh! I told you it would work!
Bitterman: Crazy cat lady? You said you liked cats!
Marshall: I was talking about the musical.
Sonny: I can't let this happen.
Chat: What, whoa, wait, where you going?
Bitterman: Marshall, I don't think that you and I are- Bigfoot!
Marshall: That's what I was trying to say, Bigfoot, not big feet!
Bitterman: Watch your crazy cat lady now.
(She gets out of the car)
Bitterman: Oh, hello Sonny, how are you today? You knocked on the wrong window, Mr. Bigfoot! (She tackles "˜Bigfoot' and starts to attack him)
Bitterman: I'm the only Bigfoot in these woods, buddy!
Sonny: You know that's not actually Bigfoot, right? That's Nico and Grady!
Marshall: Yeah I know that, but she doesn't know that.
Bitterman: Let's give her another minute. She's on a roll.
Sonny: So, I guess you probably figured out we were trying to break you up, huh.
Marshall: Sonny, I've been working with you kids a long time, there's not a lot you can do to fool me.
Sonny: I don't know, I'm still really sorry.
Marshall: Well, if it makes you feel any better, all you did was bring me and Joy closer. Look at her. She's beating up Bigfoot for me. I've never been more attracted to a woman before in my life.
Sonny: Yeah, too much information. It's not that we don't want you to be happy, it's just that, I don't know, we just don't want Bitterman to be so involved in the show.
Marshall: Alright, fair enough. I'll talk to her. Maybe you should talk to her.
(Tawni wakes up in the back of Chad's car)
Tawni: I must have dozed off. (A piece of the Bigfoot costume falls onto her) Oh look, a new purse!
(Nico and Grady run into Chad's car)
Nico: Drive, drive!
Chad: Seatbelts!
Tawni: Oh, Nico, hold my new purse.
Chad: And for the record, this is exactly how the episode ended!
Tawni: Wait, wait! I can't get Grady's seatbelt!
Chad: We gotta go!
Nico: Just drive, just drive!
Tawni: Got it!
(He drives away)
[Scene shows Bitterman at her desk with Nico and Grady in front of her with ice packs]
Bitterman: Boys, I'm sorry I laid into you with that log. And so to make it up to you, I'm going to give you a little treat. I'm going to show you some of the highlights from my performance of Twelve Angry Men- the Stars and Stripes called it a cure to armed forces!
(She starts to play Twelve Angry Men)
Angry Man 1: I am so angry!
Angry Man 2: I am also angry.
Angry Man 3: ...angry!
Grady: I liked it better when she was beating us with the log.
Angry Man 1: I've never been more angry.
Nico: It was less painful.
Angry Man 2: I've never been more angry.
